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 The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'

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Vir Honestus
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PostSubject: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Mon Aug 11, 2014 10:30 pm

post here for any input or reviews :-)

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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Mon Aug 11, 2014 11:50 pm

and I'll be first Very Happy

Song of Memory

well, I can see how you placed "yearning" into this as I mentioned. You fit the atmosphere quite well.

Rusl I just adore. Taking charge, and being that strong support Link needed. And the comic Spartan Kick down the ladder was just perfect. Even the part with Link's ale mug came off fluidly well.

And yes, I did find typos already *grrr* but they aren't huge ones.
More so for myself but hey, I can't change them.
~Handful of sentences that have a large opening phrase, but no comma that follows. Lacks the mental 'breath' as such.
~Nights plural is when Link wakes up to nightmares
Don't really feel like nitpicking harder than that. They're unnoticeable except to someone sensitive to them like me.

Also, I know they're still 'children' but wouldn't Talo and Malo be about 14/11 now? respectively. I'm trying to get the mental image in my head.
One more thing. Fado is confirmed to be about Link's age xD

I enjoy all the references to all the characters, see the whole village and such. However,
Vir wrote:
He didn't know that tonight he would have another nightmare.
my only real complaint is I find this to be highly unnecessary. I rather have "Another nightmare pierced his mind." or something similar follow the next sentence, the interruption in the night, then have that last one preceding one.

Well, over all I agree with you, it's well written. I like it. Though you did a good job of immediately gaining the reader's sympathy, I feel bad for Link. ... I want them to find each other.

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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Thu Aug 14, 2014 12:07 am

A Glimpse of Hope in the Twilight

Well I can tell you it's good enough it kept me reading through it all before I was willing to write anything down. So it's post commentary, instead of live.

Though from live commentary, heh, she broke her only ink to the Light Realm.

I'll admit, I was crying softly through the first half, far too sensitive. They're both hurting. It's easy to see.

You should just start writing in Japanese, then you wouldn't have to worry about writing words in plural -_-
*goes to edit in 'S's*
EDIT: double check the 'male figure' section introducing Evander, I simplified your wordage slightly of description that was written and had needed to be revised.
and "we will have to change that" at the end, I made it a question mark, but she could easily mean that as a question-really-a-statement type of sentence, being the one in power.

Spoiler:
 

It's really nice that you um...consolidated? your old thoughts, and it's making the story actually progress. My complaint is while I like the compactness, (and you made it work very well with how you wanted) I did enjoy the original snippets of Evander and Griffin (whose appeared description-less FYI) of them in the ruins and finding the artifacts, the initial cross between confusion and wonder then the urgency to tell the Queen. While I do love this romance story, don't be afraid in the future chapters to change perspective from the two main heroes to others from the main group.

I'm happy if sleepy, and analyzing is waking me up some woo! with this. I just hope you remember the important concepts you had for this that "gave you chills" because there are a few 'chapters' I will be very disappointed if you decide to remove them from the plot line. So far though, a much stronger start. Nicely done. Keep it going.

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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Thu Aug 14, 2014 6:13 am

The sun cycle restarted after the Sols were put into the Master Sword. That was my original idea

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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Fri Aug 15, 2014 11:35 pm

Running an Errand

Love his unruly hair, but really? Steaks for breakfast?

Aw, Link is so good with kids, I'd give him a hug!

"By the spring near the bridge" I am so disappointed in myself for thinking a coiled spring instead of a water spring at first.

Again, love Rusl and his humor. I love how you mimic the game though, sword delivery and all.

Ah, Cyrus, I didn't remember him. and of course Link can make any maid swoon.

Vir wrote:
"There that is much better. I don't to lead if I don't have to though" said Link.
^I know what you're saying, I'm too tired to figure out what literally is wrong with the sentence.

Kent, Tarn, Sten and Rike: I'm very curious how you named them. but O.O what's this? could they be the fabled Knights of Hyrule? The main four? hmmm.....

Alright. Construction danger. Part of me still likes the whisking the princess away to safety, but this is so much more flavorful saving several crew members in the process as well as the now Queen.

Great job again.

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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Mon Aug 18, 2014 12:49 am

Research Pays Off

Council meeting. seems as miserable as Midna must feel though it haha.

The library is interesting. I'm very curious on what Griffin's thought process was during that. Though, what might be that mark? I feel like you touched on it, and it slipped by much as it does in the actual story. Though the way it appears is cool. I'm just thinking, upward spikes? spikes encircling it?

Griffin's entrance post meeting, that whole bit is good. I like Midna's part at the last paragraph in that section. Only difference is I feel like it's all audio during the conversation. I think at one or two of those points, you could/should mention a spec of what the character is doing. so "said thoughtfully/gesturing to continue" or "with a raised eyebrow" they're nearly jumping for joy and I get nothing from the stage.
(though I'd love to hear the voice acting for this part lol)

I get this is a wasteland, but out of curiosity, it's flat from lack of life but is it plains right? Field would translate to plains, so not much of hills ever is it? Also how big are they roughly? For own knowledge.

Also, how long did all of this take? I'm hoping not so long the sapping effect got to any of the scholars. That would stink. Though I guess you answer that with Midna watching the sunset later. It'd just be cool to know when roughly in the day did they reach the sap-lands and how many hours did they take to find the stairs.

Yay pretty sunset :3
And what's this? We found the portal?! why that's amazing! that's brilliant! that's stupendous!! That's all the adjectives I'll be thinking of. But time to celebrate either way. ~Party!~

I'm sorry for being very wordy. I'm not sure why that's my mood right now. I'm not 'surprised' by anything, as it's a rewrite. I'm not thinking ahead (minus two chapters I liked a lot) but it comes back in memory some as you get to parts. If that makes sense. Even if that's the case, I still enjoyed the chapter very much.
(can we get the lovebirds together yet? please?) T-T

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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Sun Aug 24, 2014 1:02 am

The Desert's Ring

I like Link with Epona at the beginning, it shows that human animal bond.

With Fyer, I think you wrote it very well, keeping the personalities in check, I just think for characters, you should try to incorporate a little more description. Just because you and I know the game and the back story, doesn't mean everyone does. You should keep in mind to make it enjoyable (or comprehensible) for all readers.

... Skipping the emotional turmoil in the flash back for a moment.

The sages have the ring? I know you said you edited the last Link chapter, but you left the rest of the conversation with the Bridge of Eldin destination. Like Zelda wants an enchanted ring. Wouldn't she possibly remember it's her own ring?

Actually, that character needs more description thing could be presented to the Sages as well. Like "[your words], with their long silver-white robes shining in the moonlight" you don't need to go out of your way to describe them but a bit more to 'set the stage' would help.

The part about Zelda's childhood was a nice touch.

Now backtracking to the flashback. Eyes moist but I didn't cry. Very amusing how they mirrored each other in their respective realms, sobbing. I don't know if it was from expecting it or because you lead up to it well, but just crossing that **** line into the past sweeps the atmosphere into the pain of grief and loss, and sympathy from the reader.

Differences between the two, I'm inferring the newly found portal is opening up to the spot where the old portal went to. I'm eager to learn how you'll take the reunion, as you showed the initial separation quite well. I'm only sad from the lack of Vincent/Rosalie coming to find Link and bringing him to Midna, saving her from trouble. That was a fun part. Though really I'm being selfish because the part I'm upset about is the lack of the medallions Vincent and Rosalie would be wearing to protect themselves from the harsh Light Realm because that was the detail I originally thought of and told you two which ignited this story making spark. But I can let that go since I'm enjoying the story either way

All in all, I like this one. I'm glad it took me a half an hour longer than I'd like to type this. Carry on ^_^

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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Sun Aug 24, 2014 7:09 am

Oh don't worry those parts are still in there. There is no way I could get rid of the battle at the Twilight Palace. Zelda is embarrassed by it (she will say so later).

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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Fri Aug 29, 2014 6:48 pm

Breaching Dimensions or Thinking with Portals

ok I'll say right off, I really like this chapter even though I had outside distractions the entire time and couldn't "delve deep" into it. I couldn't fully transport my mind into it. That is more of a problem for me than you.

A lot of syntax early on. I don't think it was necessarily lack of commas, I think it was a few pieces of wordage. I'll look through them again.

The details you have for Plot A and Plot B of Midna at the palace and the scholars on site, the switching and the reactions, very enjoyable, especially with Midna's emotional inputs (leaving quickly and Rosalie's teasing)

So how deep is that hole Griffin fell down in?

The excitement of discovery makes one want to read more quickly. At the same time, I myself lost a bit of the time scheme that happened. The small paragraphs where you transitioned between settings, those seemed to flow a little bit too quickly though. Just a small bit.

I should show you my original designs for the medallions (much different lol) but yours are definitely interesting.

I'm very pleased with the spoken word choices. Especially with Griffin's role in the portal room (he's done a lot of the important finding hasn't he?) that's my favorite part.

You might want to make it slightly clearer that they had to completely leave the underground-ness once activating the portal, somehow for the first thought I stayed on just the portal's room.

and that's all I got this time. Let's see where they pop up in the Light Realm shall we? Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Thu Sep 04, 2014 10:11 pm

Worlds Intertwining

How to begin? the initial shock (and unexpected falling 6 feet) were very nicely done. I'm quite pleased. The whole opening is quite the right feel between detail and direction.

Furthermore, there's so... so much more characteristic, more emotion, more of the feeling of being sucked in. Very nicely done. I'm pleased, you have given Vincent and Rosalie more personality in here. They needed it. A nice touch with how and when they speak in unison. I also like how Rosalie and Vincent clearly are a thing. *giggle*

Mesa's edge fall...Link you are so horrible I love it!

And Fyer is a nice touch.

I feel the excitement for sure. The only real critique, as I don't think I noticed any typos standing out, is to make clearer those details about the setting (and actors' movements) in those transitions,
So from post-cannon to the field, a half a sentence. Maybe two other spots could've used that. Oh and Link realizing these people are from Midna, he couldn't stand but did he fall on his knees or his bum? Perhaps a "a muffled thud from his knees on the sandy concrete" or the like.

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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Wed Sep 17, 2014 12:37 am

Castle Within the Ground

Oh my. I just realized this is a fairly long chapter compared to the others.

I wouldn't mind drawing that power lift. And front guards as a comic strip, of them always being suspicious about Link.
Heh heh:
 

Now finding Zelda, your entire concept I really like. Especially with how they're all so sleepy and not noticing what could be a threat. I feel like there was a moment during Link and Zelda's conversation that you could've included a comment about the guards, I know they know Link and it's all cool, but I don't want them forgotten.

More importantly, the entire 'above' ground castle part, that must be about where you lost your data, because it feels slightly choppy. I still like it plenty but it doesn't feel as fluid as normal. Like you're straining to get on with it, so you're rushing the conversations.
Reversely, once you get underground, and down all the way, I feel where you connected into the zone and the words poured out. There's a few hints of awkward transitions but it feels so much better, and more interesting to read.

way underground, I was thinking 'do we ever find out what grabbed him?' and you cheap sake, you did it so you didn't have to literally think about what did it! But the following sequence was very cool.

The light show I think should be revised enough to make it not one giant box of text, it was so cool looking but still slightly hard to read.

And the last image, is a very interesting one. Also one to add to my list of story illustrations ^_^

Over all, yes, a fine chapter good Sir.

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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Thu Sep 25, 2014 7:28 pm

Greetings from the King

Took me a bit to remember where we were. but it's still very cool

Vir wrote:
Link new well enough that skeletons from ages long forgotten seemed to have a tendency to keep walking even after they were dead.
Got that right xD

Actually when you were implying the skeleton was going to come alive, I was thinking of Igos du Ikana

Isn't Daphnes Harkinian Hyrule the name of the King from Wind Waker? As in other timeline?
But damn this is a cool way to do it xD


This whole tomb scenario is a great idea. Glad I could help with the first spark lol. I would just say try to consolidate a few of the archway description sentences. You have so many grammar words, I was getting somewhat lost (think such thought that had this detail)

Wow. I'm surprised Link was able to keep a cool head and not leap through the archway just to find Midna.

I can't complain about certainly. I think I found only one typo \(^-^)/

****
Midna's part.

when the messenger comes in about the army. The sentence about they lost count at 3,000, my response was laughing out an "ooooh craaap" xD

and everyone hup two! get moving! We has ourselves a palace to protect.
I love Midna :-)

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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Thu Sep 25, 2014 10:39 pm

Nope that is Daphnes Nohanses Hyrule lol

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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Fri Jan 30, 2015 2:48 am

So Dusk informed me you would like to hear my comments on your stuff from both sites. He also made me make an account here which the first I screwed up and now I am Alisaur2 * bigger and better. I love Zelda so your stories did fascinate me and entice me to read more. I will say there is a distinct difference between the two sites.

The Zelda stuff you posted on the other site was great, the details and the passion could be seen throughout but you kind of lost me on the realism level along with some technical problems.

The Zelda stuff on this site on the other hand is well written and flows much better. Yet I feel some of the passion I felt when reading on the other site was lost. I feel some of your inspiration and creativity left when you tried to write it in a much more literary fashion. Needless to say I still love it, I'm just pointing out the things I noticed that changed from the site transition.

Now I know there is a lot to discuss about your stuff and I wish to do so but to just start typing every little thing is how my madness starts and doesn't stop. So if you would like more distinct feedback with references and more let me know which site and which post /posts to analyze. I look forward to talking Zelda with you since it is my favorite series.
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight 'Discussion'   Fri Jan 30, 2015 3:48 pm

Thanks for the feedback! I noticed myself it lost some of its feel from Cats site, but it will get better. I wasnt really in the mood to retype it all so im sure that played a part in it. And I been changing a great many things and how certain parts of the story will play out.

If you'd like to write an overall analysis I wouldn't mind.

Thanks for joining lol, see you around the site.

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