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Most users ever online was 18 on Sat Feb 22, 2014 11:58 pm
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 "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area

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Vir Honestus
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PostSubject: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:17 pm

This story that Raven and I decided to write together is a bit different from a normal story. We each will take turns writing chapter alternating between our own individual character. The actions of each could or could not affect the other. I hope you enjoy this tale.

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Last edited by Vir Honestus on Fri Nov 28, 2014 1:04 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Sat Apr 19, 2014 9:07 pm

Also we plan on having an avatar of our character as they either change clothes or have injuries, etc, etc at beginning of each post

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Sun Apr 20, 2014 11:17 am

Please feel free to read at your pleasure and share your comments and thoughts along the way. We're hoping to have fun with this and hope you may enjoy it as well.




I just wonder how long til we figure out a secure name lol.

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Wed Apr 30, 2014 1:16 pm

Okay, I'm sorry for trying to edit this for more than a week, my chapter is officially reedited and finished. Please let me know what you think. Vir let me know if I did something stupid with it.

http://forgottenathenaeum.forumotion.com/t39-raven-and-virs-joint-story

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Thu Jul 31, 2014 11:20 pm

Okay thoughts on current chapter. third day of summer

"Traveling sure is boring" *snort* Haha.

Hylas's training exercise is definitely interesting and I see how ...disciplined of an activity it is, the amount of concentration in sorts of a meditation act.


A very nice chapter and not overly long. Quite pleasant.

I have mixed emotions on you sticking her in a carriage, yes for such a long trip and being a blueblood that makes sense, (and works better for a planned set of future events) but I have a travel outfit all ready for her. When might I stick her on a horse?

In case you're curious:
 

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Fri Aug 01, 2014 6:02 am

You could have her on horseback at the start? I did say she was already on the road. Perhaps her uncle makes her go in the carriage?

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Thu Oct 16, 2014 9:38 pm

Alright. After having half of it written (okay maybe only a third, by the time I finished) I finished the rest of the post. Any one who would like to read it may do so at

http://forgottenathenaeum.forumotion.com/t39p15-raven-and-virs-joint-story

The two setting changes in the second half of it are what are added. Even with the wait, I'm quite pleased by it. I hope those of you who read it enjoy it as you wait for Vir to respond ^_^

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Sat Oct 25, 2014 6:29 pm

Just curious, how many of you have been keeping up with this story? And what are your thoughts?

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Sun Oct 26, 2014 10:09 pm

Ok, I guess I should finally make a post instead of making mental notes then forgetting them later. I have read about 4/5 the way down the first page. I have to say and you can ask Raven this. Since day one I have hatred the chibis. My reasoning for this is you offer these great detailed descriptions then you slam some of the most boring childish looking things into my face. Sadly since images last longer in our brain then writing all I can think of for your characters appearances are your chibis.. not the nicely written introductions you gave for each your characters.

Now that I got that off my chest. I will say the writing is great. But man catching up is a chore. I haven't read in awhile but I now feel like there is going to need to be a chunk of time for reading. I would suggest maybe soon each of you giving almost a reminder of important things that occurred in your past posts up to date... like a previously on "random show" kinda like this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BACnmWaueQ

I do enjoy all the color and details you bring out, it's mainly the reason I keep reading since you actually explain nicely. I will say you both are prone to some large chunks of sudden changes that could use a better transition. I don't want to hark on this a ton since I have not read entire thing yet and that issue may have been just an early on thing.

So there it is, if you wish more input from me I will try to get you some. For now, keep writing and I'll catch up as soon as I have time.
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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Mon Oct 27, 2014 8:18 am

I actually have been copying a pasting the story into word documents because my brains is hard wired against reading prose in the forum format. I'm not as far along as Dusk, but then I've had to do a lot of reading lately so my brain's a bit overloaded. I will give you a post response soon, though, if you like. Just be warned, I tend to just acknowledge things I like and say "Good Job. Keep doing that" rather nondescriptly, then lean hard on the negatives.
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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Wed Oct 29, 2014 11:01 am

Alright. Thanks guys for the input so far.

Actually, you're in luck Dusk, my next post I planned on bringing in a lot of old details from the early posts; and our characters are together so I can bring up both parts. That might please you.

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Tue Dec 16, 2014 2:38 pm

Hey, those of you trying to pay attention to this Tale of Laril, great news, I actually got the 20th addition to the story. Actually, we are excited because we finally named it too. That might confuse a few readers for a while... but I'm sure you will all do fine.

Vir and Raven's Joint Story >> The Kingdom of Laril

Vir and I have been wanting to get this moving, at least some what, for a long while. Ideas were planted and busy lives kept us at bay.

I will say, while I'm pleased with quite a bit of this post, I keep feeling like I forgot some points I planned on including. Between it taking so long to get to writing, and making an infinite of spelling mistakes due to typing with an injured finger, I'm surprised I remembered as many as I did. If I remember a big detail I originally wanted to include, I might find a way to edit it in. If I do, I'll let you know; if not, enjoy the post anyway.

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Mon Dec 29, 2014 11:14 pm

Ok, time to break down some good stuff and critique a little.

-Happy I haven't seen Chibi's again first and foremost.
-Detail is great between the two of you, it helps differentiate your stories since Vir's is overly stimulating (this is good and bad, I love detail but sometimes you pick things to elaborate on that don't seem to really matter to the story) and then Raven's middle of the road. (again, good and bad, it makes reading fast and easy but sometimes you glaze over something that I would enjoy better detail on)
-Some of your timeframe transitions seem odd, I sometimes try to guess if you have jumped forward a few hours or just minutes.
-The meeting of your characters seemed forced, like you wanted them to meet so much you sped up and really didn't make it as elaborate as I was expecting. I remember when I heard about this that you mentioned your characters were in the same world but not become just one storyline. I was figuring all the times you would be crossing over into each others segments it would be more exhilarating. I will say this statement is likely to change since you guys are constantly adding and doing things.
-I do like how both of you have added secondary characters that actually seem to be the real thing, not just random people coming in and out of your lives. They add another element to the story that makes it enjoyable.
-Keep it up and I'll try to keep up as well.

"Side note for Vir, I would like to have some insight on what other people think when they see your character use his abilities, like are they freaking out in their heads or crapping their pants." See my reference, I loved this game as kid and remember one of my favorite parts was when a non magic using character saw magic used by someone for the first time in combat. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIFnMHJUTlA
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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Fri Mar 13, 2015 1:34 am

Ok, first post up since a while, and yes, I need to sleep again.

I'm partially pleased with this one. I've been planning it for ages, along with anything else to write. I really want to get to this particular part, but I didn't want to rush it, and it's getting late. As such, I'm stopping short of where I wanted to be. I think it'll flow nicely though. I just have to wait and see what Vir throws at me because I'm hoping to fit my plan in still. (I will still write it out so it has the potential to be used at some point anyway)

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Sun Sep 13, 2015 12:53 am

I finally have time to read more closely, it would seem. But if it's all right, I'll just comment on the chapters one at a time as I read them. Would you be opposed to me providing quotes of the chapters with minor edits? Nothing story or plot related. Just some formatting tics.
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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Sun Sep 13, 2015 9:43 am

Feel free to do so, though I know my grammar markings may suck from time to time.

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Sun Sep 13, 2015 1:05 pm

I'm okay with that as well. Handle it however you wish. There are several sections that I would choose to edit.

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Sun Sep 13, 2015 3:15 pm

All right. I'll get to doing that later. Just from the first chapter, though, the main thing I would like to point out is that there are occasional shifts between the past and present tense. Mostly as it pertains to the first third or so of the story. It starts out in present tense and shifts to past tense later on. There's also an instance, early on, where the same character is speaking twice without anything breaking up the dialogue and you put the dialogue on two separate lines. Which is fine for a script, although it's something to watch out for in prose writing like this. But those are just formatting tics. I'll get into story stuff after I've read a little more of the story. The world you're setting up is very interesting, although there is a lot of narrative exposition. Which isn't at all a bad thing. You're explaining your world and it can be difficult establishing the rules of fantastical settings through dialogue and action, but it's generally preferred. Basically just a problem with "Show, don't tell." If you've ever heard that adage before. I don't know how common it is for people outside of my field.

Also: I don't harp on grammar and spelling mistakes. We all make 'em and that kind of thing doesn't belong in a critique anyway because it's all technical and is something to be addressed during proofreading unless the mistake is significant enough to unravel your story.
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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Sun Sep 13, 2015 5:15 pm

Cool cool, yea I know i use the tenses jointly. Its a problem I have.

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Sun Sep 13, 2015 5:16 pm

Oh, it's no real issue. Just about everyone does it at some point. I was just trying to help identify where, here, it occurs. An easy fix, really.
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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Sun Sep 13, 2015 11:41 pm

If we don't mind my asking, what was the particular inspiration for this story? If you know, that is. I know sometimes these inspirations are subconscious.
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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:34 am

Um. Format? Wanted to write together, not as a roleplay but as a story so we could write/control whatever we wanted, and be able to force the other to think how to carry on the story when given an odd situation or change.

We then just planned enough world building to get going. Like we have an unfinished map ready, and a whole batch of theology for the world, along with the time system. However we decide to explain that to our readers ^_^

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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Mon Sep 14, 2015 9:46 am

Interestingly enough, I don't really have much to say about the second chapter. I already mentioned to Raven that I quite like that first sentence. The chapter's mostly just exposition/establishing, but the reason it works is because of the chemistry I'm sensing from the two characters. It is interesting how the opening somewhat parallels the opening of the first chapter.

Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Sat Sep 19, 2015 3:14 pm

Just to be clear, I wanna give you guys a chance to see and respond before I move on from one chapter to the next. Just to keep something of a dialogue going about it.
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PostSubject: Re: "The Kingdom of Laril" Discussion area   Thu Oct 01, 2015 10:38 pm

ok. Cool. continue on.

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