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Most users ever online was 18 on Sat Feb 22, 2014 11:58 pm
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 The Discussion of Halil

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Raven

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PostSubject: The Discussion of Halil   Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:12 pm

Here is a discussion for this piece of Vir's.


For starters, this beginning reminds me of the readers' warnings from Lemony Snicket in the Series of Unfortunate Events. The names start off pretty interesting and Mistcliff has an interesting concept. (There's one three typos in the paragraph lol)

He's like . . . as cool as Link. Just not an elf.
. . . .
. . . .
. . . . . .
Your ending, that is so cool.



Yea I tried typing through it, then I just kept reading, and read the whole thing.

The rowdy customer. At first I was confused since you said Halil was listening to him, but then it clicked that the situation was going on for the most part in front of him. I  guess he's like most of the heroes you (and I) tend to like in that he'll sit so he can see everything in the tavern.
The customer himself I don't know if I was more frightened/vulernable like the server girl (being a girl) or more angry and disgusted like Halil. It was a weird mixture while reading that for me.

^'Like Link' Actually, I half thought of Link when you said the prior events were seven years ago, so both OoT and Chance clicked in my head. But then he flipped the guy, and Rhiras mentioned he was a servant/guardian to the king and the best fighter out there. So yea....Link.


Vir wrote:
"That's right, she died there, didn't she?" said Rhiras.
I can totally predict this will lead to a lost of his lover, which you mentioned "tale of love" at the bottom. So even if that's a predictable thing, it's still so well written and I'm sure you have plans for when you write it I don't care. I like love stories. sotires

Lastly, I love how you finished with the Dear Reader part again. I forgot how you started it out so reading the ending got me excited.

I want this to continue. Fairly soon.

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PostSubject: Re: The Discussion of Halil   Tue Feb 25, 2014 2:43 pm

Brian actually stopped being lazy and read a story? Gasp!
All jokes aside, I really liked the prologue.

Raven wrote:
this beginning reminds me of the readers' warnings from Lemony Snicket in the Series of Unfortunate Events
I felt the same way.

Keep up the good work, man. I'm really excited for this one to take off. (Until then, I will continue to catch up on Return to Twilight Razz)
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PostSubject: Re: The Discussion of Halil   Tue Feb 25, 2014 4:14 pm

Lol thanks guys. And no rush as of now Brian. I'm taking a short respite from Return to Twilight

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PostSubject: Re: The Discussion of Halil   Tue Mar 04, 2014 11:31 am

You should fix the name to this as well. (we both could actually)
Can I just say, you're taking a break from Return to Twilight, 1) you said you would write more after you had gotten that new necklace of yours; you have it now but you're writing something else lol and 2) these are the kinds of names I originally expected in Link's world, but they are pretty cool where ever you use them. I like them.

Chapter One: Ancient History

I can't just go in and edit your typos like I used to Sad so... line 1: 'a' tribe not 'an' tribe and a little ways away there is at least one missing apostrophe. Two places I wish to add commas.

So are there seven sages? xD

It seems fitting for one important life form to enter the world only after a different one leaves, and that he must suffer with the knowledge of never knowing his father; along with the fact he knows the pain of losing his mother too at such an early age.

Well, I can say the mages are very interesting, and I like how you set up the land so far. Alannor will be an intriguing world to explore as a reader.

My last few words: congratulations, you already did a fine job of getting the reader to sympathize and connect to the protagonist. Woo.

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PostSubject: Re: The Discussion of Halil   Wed Mar 05, 2014 3:39 pm

You made the discussion. You should be able to change it right?

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PostSubject: Re: The Discussion of Halil   Thu Mar 06, 2014 11:29 pm

The Blazing Seal

I don't know what to call this. xD [at first; I'm still gonna make up names, so there's an idea of which review goes with what post, even if you're on the same chapters]

The plaza is a good breath of what's been happening. And it sounds kinda pretty.
Interesting mark there. I think I would like to do concept art for this.

It's been a few days, I had to remind myself Halil's mother died in her sleep.
Viir wrote:
Their next thought was were was Halil?
'were' needs an 'h'. you mean where.

Yea magic sealed and the pressure building up for eight years. That can't be good. This is a really good concept. I also like the one mage being ignorant, as the mage wasn't there at the beginning.

Hmmm...He is burning like fire, surrounded by air, touched stone, and jumped into the water of a fountain. Well at least he found all the elements.
He ends up burning a whole section of the city, but hey, he met with each element.

Vir wrote:
They linked hands and suddenly vanished from the road only to appear only feet from the pillar of flames.
I don't like the double only. maybe make the second one 'mere'? or something comparable.

Definately a good and interesting chapter. I understand your picture idea now. And I have a clearer image in my head as well. (and thinking of techniques to make it well colored and looking as awesome as your chapter is written)

This story seems very promising.

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PostSubject: Re: The Discussion of Halil   Thu Mar 06, 2014 11:37 pm

Sweet ill make changes later

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PostSubject: Re: The Discussion of Halil   Tue Mar 11, 2014 11:28 am

I really like where this story is going. It kinda reminds me of a mix of Harry Potter and The Last Airbender in a sense.

The only criticism I have is that there's not enough emotion to the story. Of course, it may just be me that thinks so. Part of my wished that Halil shared a little more emotion about his mother's death. I'd think an eight year old would be a little more depressed to find out his mother died. If it's not your type of thing, don't worry about it... just my input Smile
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PostSubject: Re: The Discussion of Halil   Tue Mar 11, 2014 3:37 pm

Well any input is appreciated and I'll try to add it. Don't worry though he will break down later. I already had that planned.

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PostSubject: Re: The Discussion of Halil   Fri Mar 14, 2014 11:13 pm

I'm sorry for taking so much time to do this. Also I planned on doing this during lunch time but my computer was acting up, not accomplishing more than logging on really; so much for thinking ahead.


Chapter Three: A New Beginning

So let's begin.

The scene starts anew-ed. We have three characters who we technically know who they are, but the chapter begins as if you placed the book down and returned many moons later. Or maybe as short as a week.

The atmosphere is very reassuring, and pleasant after that frightful fire. Contrasting between intensities is told to be a basic technique, but it does wonders when done well. You done well.

Vir (obviously) wrote:
One a sweating and very much out of breath man in a mages cloak, another that was the exact opposite but also with a mages cloak and lastly a young boy who was unconscious on the ground.

The part about Halil works fine. The mages however need to be revisited. It's choppy. Hmm... Perhaps make the first 'and' a comma, then "another behaving the exact opposite still within a mage's cloak" and then Halil etc. Or the also is made to still. Idk. Ask one of the Writing majors for advice if you want. The middle is confusing me. Concept I'm sold on at least.

Under the tree. Reminds me of a Japanese short story I read before. Digressing. Halil is what eight years old here? I think that's right. I feel like he's mature for his age. I can't tell if this is because he's 'important' or a lot has happened to him (orphaned and magic now sealed and exhausted) but he seems really mature and calm. Do I just not understand the stages in jovial mentality?
it seems off to me.
Vir wrote:
"Yes, now that my mother is dead I have nowhere left to go." said Halil.
This being the most off sentence to me. Even with the 'age' this is set in, that type of wording/grammar feels off. Which I dislike how it's messing with my enjoyment.

Halil's 'pain wouldn't go away' sentence needs a comma after the No.

Quote :
the colors at night
Night is very dark, so it's really low saturation with high darkness. The only way you'd even see so much color is the moonlight and the burning city. And now I'm thinking of City from Hollywood Undead.

So when Maxim and Ethel (before I forget, really cool names; just not easiest to remember yet) are talking about Halil's schooling, this is when they're traveling, so where is Halil? Is he just quietly listening or does he have no concern for when someone is talking about him? Is it at night when resting and the kid is asleep? I'm thinking most likely the latter.

Vir wrote:
The following morning the three set off once more getting ever closer to the mages school of fire.
should the school of fire be capitalized?

Vir wrote:
The gates were and amber color and seemed to shift and warp as they stood still.
Um...amber what what first color? xD

And gosh darn it! Too many typos. (three sentences later you wrote 'and' instead of 'an'; later the first mention of spire should be plural) I can't enjoy this awesome looking building enough with your slippery fingers hitting bad keys. I want to absorb this amazing architecture in peace! T-T

And such a mature little boy! He is special.

Vir wrote:
Stepping into the main rotunda the three were greeted by a elderly looking man with a beard that was completely white. He wore robes that were a dark crimson color with orange flames moving from the bottom of the robe up to his chest.
1) there needs a comma after 'rotunda''
2) is 'rotunda' the right word? what is that?
3) you and your objects-that-weres xD

 ~Since this is double my annoyance. I advise making the first that-was with the beard, comma 'white' then a few words describing which kind of the ten basic beard styles the man has. The second sentence: starting with 'he', yes obvious but the last sentence technically had the other three as the subject so the pronoun kinda doesn't match. So why don't you put "the elderly [or bearded] man" as the subject?
~Plus 'that' is usually frowned upon in things like essays and formal stuff, 'which' is generally accepted in more contexts. Instead of restructuring the whole sentence, make the 'wore robes that were a dark crimson color' into 'wore robes with a dark crimson color' and the 'dark crimson color with orange flames' into 'dark crimson color and orange flames' please.  *catches breath*

I miss being able to edit that which I proofread for you. There are so many good things I can mention you're doing and all my space is taken up trying to explain simple mechanical errors getting in the way. By the way, the Master's last spoken words needs an apostrophe in let's. And my instinct is to add four commas.

The story is so interesting though. Don't stop. Unless of course you gain inspiration for the next step in Link's story. That's the only time you're allowed to stop.

Actually, I'm glad I missed when you first posted this. I get to immediately flip the page of my book and continue reading Very Happy*scrolls down*

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PostSubject: Re: The Discussion of Halil   Sat Mar 15, 2014 11:30 pm

Chapter Four: The Test

Controlling his own glow in order to prove he's in tune to fire....I like it.

Okay so a tiny candle flame on his index finger, I want to burn stuff by poking things xD

Ah mother! And I love stories (including reading this one) And Maribelle is a nice name.

Hmm here there be dragons? well maybe. Maybe there still be a few around. Beware its breath though. Lol.

Lol! Roar I am the Dragon of the West. I breath flame on you! xD

Okay, controlled flame. Much better. Good start Halil.

You know who wrote:
Heh heh I got the fire started. Burn. Burn!

The flaming rooms and carvings are a very cool touch. Interesting indeed.

And Aww. Poor Halil, the pain kicked in finally. I want to hold and comfort him (my instinct :-P ) very good. That's the kind of reaction I was looking for. (I think he needs one more sob stutter not at the beginning of a sentence)

Vir wrote:
"Learning him won't be easy but if you really try I'm certain you can master the element of fire." said Maxim.
Recheck the first two words please.

I think it would be a really cute, polished touch if towards the end you add that Halil did whatever you wrote "with a short sniffle"

Over all, I think you pull this chapter off really well. I only wish you had a few commas here and there for mental reader breaths. But for being short it's really enjoyable.

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PostSubject: Re: The Discussion of Halil   Wed Apr 02, 2014 2:29 pm

Chapter Five: First lessons

YAY I'm getting to this finally.

I like the old Master already.

Vir wrote:
The master had the patience that was earned after many years and was used to dealing with children and could answer their endless questions for an equal amount of endless time.
Delete the "that was" and could you edit it enough to not have 2 'and's, kinda run on.

Okay, I like the spell explanations, it's been too long I forget why exactly they sealed him or real but hey, I would just have to scroll up.

I do like how Halil is "Note: After I learn to control it, I will not play" so he already knows he'll be successful in controlling the magic, and he's smart enough to know not to mess up. Woo.

Also, the Master's warning reminds me of Avatar Aang's 1st fire bending lesson xD

Ugh, I love how they goofed and Halil needs the basics of the basics, but that sounds like such a long walk to get outside.

Vir wrote:
Some mages can use two or more magics while only a small number can use all four.
Dude, ^ this sounds off. I dislike when numbers confuse me.

Um, would an 8 year old, while very intelligent, be able to sit still for several hours just to meditate?
I'm impressed if he really could do that.

Vir wrote:
they were both deep in thought and therefore did not notice the passing of time or the world around them
"thought. Therefore neither noticed the passing...." Please.

Vir wrote:
Unknown to Maxim thought the ground around Halil ...
Um does the thought need to be there? or something

Now that my edit requests are said.

Very cool. I find this very intriguing.

So what does the pool of magic look like? white light? half liquidy light? what color?!?

Totally not surprised love is a powerful emotion which influences the magic in the air. Very pleased by it still

Okay food is wonderful and good, what about a trip to the bathroom? xD

You have a good pacing for an easy first day. I can tell how effective of a writing mood you were in too. I'm curious what order Halil will end up learning all the elements of magic.

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